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If you would like to submit some clean Christian humour or a church sign for this page, please e-mail it to me, John Gilson, at johngilson@rogers.com. This page is updated at least once a month. In each update, all additions will be placed at the beginning of this page.
John


CHRISTIAN HUMOUR including THOUGHT PROVOKING CHURCH SIGNS


CHURCH SIGNS

(You will also find many other suitable church sign statements on our Christian quotes page.)
 


Get off of Face book and get into the Faith book. Your status will be changed!
~Michele Nally


Below these actual pictures are many more examples of church signs.

For more great pictures of church signs visit www.fasterpastor.com and meet Faster Pastor, Rev Paul Sinclair, who created many of these signs.
 


God is in the building, come on in. - Submitted by Piet N Joy.

On thin ice? Walk on water with Jesus - Piet N Joy.

If something is worth worrying about, it's worth praying about. - Submitted by Duane Johnson, NJ

Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, how some folks must love the Church! - Gerald I. Teague

When God speaks, things happen.

Prayer is only devalued by low interest.

A bible in the hand is worth 2 in the bookcase.

Our faith should be our steering wheel, not our spare tire. - C. L. Wheeler

Ever seen a U-haul behind a hearse?

Bored? there's a 1,189 chapter book waiting to be dusted.

This Church is Prayer Conditioned.

Let a Jewish carpenter build your dream house.

Situations Vacant: Carpenter from Nazareth requires joiners, no experience necessary.

FAITH
   Fantastic
   Adventures
   In
   Trusting
   Him

If the rapture occurred today, would you be in church on Sunday?

U-R-4-Given - Message paid for by Jesus Christ

Wal-Mart is not the only place that saves!

The following two bulleted quotes were submitted by Ashley Nunn and Jena Vandenburg:

  • Exercise daily ... walk with the Lord.
     
  • Christ gave his life for me. Why should I give him anything less?


The following bulleted quotes were submitted by Alanna Horadam:

  • Body piercing saved my life.
     
  • Jesus donated blood to keep me alive.
     
  • If it's not worth dying for, it's not worth living for.
     
  • Every nail they put in Him they took one out of me,
    Every drop of blood He shed flowed to set me free.
     

God doesn't always smooth the path, but sometimes he puts springs in the wagon. (Marshall Lucas)

Seven days without God makes one weak.

God does not go on a vacation from you.

Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

Get faith ... Its free!  (Submitted by Kesa Webber)

For all you do, His blood for you.

If you live as if God doesn't exist, you better be right!

The Nails Didn't Keep Jesus On The Cross -
His Love For You Did.

Professionals Built The Titanic.
Amateurs Built The Ark.

Always plan ahead! It didn't rain when Noah built the ark.

The Ten Commandments were Not called The Ten Suggestions.

If you don't fellowship you are not among the fellow sheep.

Tough week? We are open Sundays.

Does your Spiritual house need a spring cleaning?

Our world revolves around the Son.

Even through the storm, the Son still shines.

Sign Broken. Come inside for message.

Free trip to Heaven. Details inside.

Need directions? I've got them. God

If God is your co-pilot ... SWAP SEATS!

You thought Mr. Clean took out dirt?  TRY JESUS!

If you give the devil an inch, he will become the ruler.

Be as patient with others as God has been with you.

Enthusiasm for Christ is contagious -- has anyone caught it from you?

Those who walk with God won't run from people's needs.

God answers knee mail.

When God calls 'Time', the game is over. Which exit will you take?

Experts made the Titanic. Amateurs made the ark.

I love you
     and you
          and you.
                    God

3 Nails plus 1 Cross = 4 Given

If God Is Your CoPilot ... You'd Better Change Seats

Today's heavenly forecast -
Reign forever!

If attendance is any indication, there won't be many men in heaven.

God doesn't need great men. Great men need God.

Visitors aren't just welcome. They are expected.

When you find yourself far from God, remember it is not He that moved.

If you feel like you and God aren't as close as you used to be... guess who moved?

Give your troubles to God. He's up all night anyway.

You learn to walk by starting on your knees.

A marriage is the union of two forgivers.

Christ is the longest part of Christmas.

The original Christmas Club

The Devil believes in Jesus. Is he in Heaven?

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

STOMACH ACHE? - Doctor
TOOTH ACHE? - Dentist
HEART ACHE? - God

Hell has no fire escapes.

Stop, drop, and roll does not work in hell.

This day brought to you by Jesus.

Marriage takes a lot of heart work.

The Bible is your best TV Guide.

Prayer gives you a calm-plex.

Feeling let down today? Try looking up.

T.G.I.F. -- Thank God I'm Forgiven.

T.G.I.F. - Today God Is First.

Jesus invested His life in you. Have you shown any interest?

I love you,
     I love you,
          I love you. God

C'mon over and bring the kids. God

Get an afterlife

My way is the High Way. God

Let's meet Sunday ... face-to-faith. God

Will the road that you're travelling on get you to my place? God

Have you read my number 1 best seller? There will be a test. God

It's never too soon to plan for eternity.

If we are like Christ, some will not like us.

If you don't want the fruits of sin, stay out of the Devil's orchard.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

Hot outside? Try one of our Sundays!

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

We are not Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays!

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

Come in and have your Faith lifted.

Free "faith-lift" on Sunday!

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets".

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too.

People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.

Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.

Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.

How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?

Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

This is a ch_ _ch. What is missing? ---------> (U R)

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.


PLANK IN THE EYE

I like to go to church these days
To see whatís going on
Without me people would not know
The things that they do wrong

The bible speaks of having gifts
And there are many sorts
And my one comes quite naturally
To point out peopleís faults

The colour of the paint is wrong
I see upon the wall
Those children make far much too noise
Whilst playing in the hall

Sometimes the sermons are too short
But usually too long
The music was too loud today
Last week too many songs

The tea I find is always weak
The coffee is too strong
Those people dress far too casual
That manís hair is too long

Oh Lord if they could only see
The things I clearly do
Perhaps then they would live a life
Like me pleasing to you

Peter Guest, England


My young son was sitting with us during our first Communion Service after being saved and when he saw the bread and juice being passed around he remarked loudly, "We get better snacks than that at daycare!"  Submitted by Paul Bostock.


I noticed you had a page of Christian Humour and thought I would forward on a couple of things that my youngest son said and did.

In regards to this first instance it is necessary to keep in mind he was a almost 40 pound 2 year old at the time (liked his food). My youngest and I were in his older (4 year old) brothers room while he was saying his prayers. We were doing the Lord's Prayer and when the older one got to "Forgive us our trespasses" the younger ones head spun round and said "pasta...pasta?". He didn't know about trespasses but, he sure wasn't going to miss any pasta.

This past summer he (the two year old) was wearing shorts and lying on the bed. He locked up at his leg where he had a small birthmark above his knee and said "What's that Daddy?". I replied "Oh just some dirt honey". There was a pause then he asked "Who put it there?". At a loss I replied "God did." There was another pause and then he said "God should go sit in his corner". He knew there should be a punishment for getting something dirty.

Andrew P. Cox


Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

They still are! Pass it on.

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
 


Sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car anymore than sitting in church makes you a Christian. - John Osteen

You can't have a Testimony without a TEST. - John Osteen


The following two quotes were submitted by a family who call themselves thejohn's.

1.  Live access to Jesus:" PRAYER" ---- thejohn's

2.  Password to Heaven: "JESUS" ---- thejohn's
 


The MASTER'S CARD

There are some things money can buy,
for everything else there's the MASTER'S CARD.

I'm sure you've all received applications in the mail.
However, I'm here to advertise a different card.

The MASTER'S CARD.

Let me tell you about it.

There are no finance charges, no payments due.

My bill has already been paid...it's a prepaid deal.

I couldn't afford the price, so Jesus Christ stepped in and paid it for me.

My name is written on the card for all to see.

The MASTER'S CARD is accessible twenty-four hours a day from anywhere in the world.

The MASTER'S CARD has so many benefits it's hard to list them all, but let me share some of them with you...
you might want to apply for your personal card.

Just for starters there is UNLIMITED GRACE.
There is no pre-set limit to the amount of grace you receive from

the MASTER'S CARD.

Have you been looking for love in all the wrong places? Then, look no farther than

the MASTER'S CARD.

It offers the greatest love that has ever been offered.

The MASTER'S CARD
gives you access to many "members only" benefits.

Want real joy despite the difficulties of life?
Apply for the MASTER'S CARD.

Want a lasting peace?
Apply for the MASTER'S CARD.

Looking for something you can always rely on in a jam?
The MASTER'S CARD is perfect for you.

Another great thing about the MASTER'S CARD is that it never expires and will never be canceled.
Once you're a member, you're a member for life...eternal life, that is.

Membership has its privileges.

So why not apply today?

It's only a prayer away.....
 


A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About half way through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked."


A fifth grade teacher at a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles

GOD is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.

GOD is like COKE .... He's the real thing.

GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.

GOD is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC .. He brings good things to life.

GOD is like SEARS ... He has everything.

GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ...Try Him, you'll like him.

GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.

GOD is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.

GOD is like ALLSTATE ..... You're in good hands with Him.

GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.

GOD is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish
everybody did?
 


The pastor had chosen his sermon topic carefully, planning to speak on Baalam's experience. The marquee stated: "The Donkey Speaks, Arno Wenniger"
 


Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it. You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."


A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
 


BIBLE:
B - BASIC
I - INSTRUCTIONS
B - BEFORE
L - LEAVING
E - EARTH


P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H - Happens


One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense.


A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.

The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach."

"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.

"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months."


There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.


When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.


The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: "Due unto others."


A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."
 


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"


A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:
"Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."


A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.


Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."


A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"

The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."


This was a notice to inform the congregation about a PANTRY PARTY for the pastor:

"Due to the fact that this is Pastor Appreciation month, we will be having a Pastor Appreciation Party down at the white building on October 31, 1999. Please bring a panty item so that we can build up Pastor's Y2K panty for him and Edna. This is a surprise, so please do not tell him. Sandwiches, cider and donuts will be served. Please come and show the Pastor how much you support and appreciate him. We look forward to seeing you then."

Debra Roberts, Mansfield, Ohio


An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.

"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"

The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."


A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.

Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"


There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"


There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."


During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
     Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... And He just then did!"


When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.
     Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"


A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
     A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
     "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "


A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"


A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."


A little boy was watching his new baby brother who was crying full force.

"Where'd we get him, mom?" he asked.

"From Heaven," the mother answered.

The little boy wrinkled his nose and covered his ears with his hands and stated matter-of-factly, "This is probably why they didn't keep him there!"


A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."


During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"


A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."


Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. I asked Him to help you put up with me."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"


People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.


If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love our church!


Overheard: We serve coffee after church to get people awake before they drive home.


A light hearted prayer:
Dear God:
So far today, I've done all right. I haven't lost my temper, haven't been grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm glad of that, but in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from there on I'm going to need a lot more help. Thanking you in advance. Amen


Believe it or not the following announcements actually appeared in various bulletins (or so they say!):

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Please place you donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dinning, superb entertainment, and gracious entertainment and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

There will be a Youth Rally on Friday night at 7 P.M. for the young and young in heat.
(accidentally placed in the bulletin by Carolyn Thomas, whose husband is a pastor)

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzur.

Bring wife and one other covered dish to banquet.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I received the following in an email:
I was typing the prayer sheet for church one Sunday. For my father-in-law, I put "In the hospital, pray for healing, for pneumonia and anemia. When I did the spell checker, it was changed to "pray for healing, for pneumonia and enema."

Let me tell you! It was a long week of diaper changing. I refrained the following week from asking them not to pray for enema or telling them their prayers were answered, all day every day that week.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".


Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes, the boys began to argue loudly over who would get the first one from the griddle.
        Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" she explained.
        Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Ryan, you be Jesus!"


Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.


Here's a little humor under the heading of "Trustworthiness":

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
        "Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
        She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"


A little girl was given two dollars by her father. He told her that she could do anything she wanted with the one dollar and that the other dollar was to be given to God on Sunday at church. The girl nodded in agreement and asked if she could go to the candy store. With visions of all that she could buy with her dollar, she happily skipped toward the store, holding tightly to the two dollars in her hand. As she skipped along, she tripped and fell and the wind blew one of her dollars into a storm drain at the curve. Picking herself up, the little girl looked at the dollar still in her hand and then at the storm drain and said, "Well Lord, there goes your dollar."


        TELEVISION

On the table side by side,
        the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
One is well worn but cherished with pride;
        not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
One is used daily to help them decide;
        no, it isn't the Bible, it's the T.V. Guide.
As pages are turned, what shall we see?
        It doesn't matter, turn on the T.V.
Confusion reigns; they can't all agree
        on what they should watch on the old T.V.
So, they open the book in which they confide;
        no, not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
The Word of God is seldom read,
        maybe a verse as they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy, and as tired as can be,
        not from reading the Bible, but from watching T.V.
So then back to the table, side by side,
        the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word;
        the plan of salvation is seldom heard.
Yet, forgiveness of sins, so full and so free,
        is found in the Bible, not on T.V.


During a sermon, the country preacher said to his congregation,
"Now let the church walk." Deacon Jones said, "Amen, let it walk."
        "Let the church run," said the preacher. "Let it run," echoed Deacon Jones.
Let it fly," said the preacher. "Amen, brother, let the church fly," said Deacon Jones.
        "Now it's going to take money to let it fly, brother," said the preacher. "Let it walk," said Deacon Jones, "Let it walk."


        A pastor was talking to his farmer friend, and he asked the farmer, "If you had one hundred horses, would you give me fifty?" The farmer said, "Certainly."
        The pastor asked, "If you had one hundred cows, would you give me fifty?" The farmer said, "Yes."
        Then the pastor asked, "If you had two pigs, would you give me one?" The farmer said, "Now cut that out, pastor; you know I have two pigs!"


     A family sat down at the dinner table following church one Sunday.
     "The sermon was boring today," said the teenage son.
     "Yeah, could you believe how the pastor stumbled over the reading of the Scripture?" his sister chimed in.
     "I've got to admit it was an uninspiring day," said Mother. "The choir was terrible."
     Finally, father, showing his leadership, said, "Hush, you guys. Quit complaining. What did you expect for a quarter?"


     Many believers don't see the importance of regular church attendance. Members of Northend Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Seattle received a special announcement in the mail, listing the many things that will be done for them at church on the following "no-excuse-to-stay-home-Sunday."
     According to the pastor, cots will be available for those who say Sunday is their only day to sleep in. Eye drops will be supplied for those who have red eyes from watching late Saturday night TV shows. There will be steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever went to church, blankets for persons who think the church is too cold, fans for those who say it is too hot, scorecards for those wishing to list all the hypocrites present, TV dinners for those who can't go to church and also cook dinner. Finally, the sanctuary would be decorated with Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.


     A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation's attention.
     "Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them." the older man said, "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, "She was my mother."
     The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail in front of the congregation. Finally he said, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." He was pleased at the instant reaction-then became panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"


The frenzied activities of Christians have made someone revise the old nursery rhyme to read (sorry but Baptist was in the original version - you can substitute whatever name you wish):
                 Mary had a little lamb
                 Twas given her to keep
                 But then it join the Baptist Church
                 And died for lack of sleep

Here is a reply I received to this poem:

I had to smile at your revision of Mary Had a Little Lamb, but being a Methodist Pastor, I had to send you my thoughts on the subject. (No particular church is referred to, but I am sure you will recognize many.) MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, TWAS GIVEN HER TO KEEP. BUT THEN IT JOINED THE METHODIST CHURCH, AND THERE, IT DIED IN IT'S SLEEP.

Pastor Karen


A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother:
"Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"
Mom: "God's not deaf, son.
Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's hard of hearing!


"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


"Too many Christians are no longer fishers of men but keepers of the aquarium."


        A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
        When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."


A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."


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